


The Most Popular Tunes in School

by Icouldhavedroppedmycroissant



Category: Looney Tunes | Merrie Melodies
Genre: Multi, Warning: There is a little bit of offensive language, by a lot I mean A LOT, i'm dying scoob, the only reason this is rated teen is because of a lot of swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-28 15:12:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15051944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icouldhavedroppedmycroissant/pseuds/Icouldhavedroppedmycroissant
Summary: This is just the web series The Most Popular Girls in School but with Looney Tunes characters. Don't ask why I made this, because even I don't know.





	1. The New Girl

Petunia: Well, then, I was all like "no," and then you were like, "you are!" And he was like, "No, but then you are!" And I was all like, "I kind of am." So long story short he's kind of my boyfriend now.

Lola: I am so pretty.

Petunia: You really are! Is there, like, cheer practice today?

(Vicky walks in, both look at her)

Lola: Um... excuse me?

Petunia: Hello?

Vicky: (looks at them) What?

Lola: Who the fuck are you?

Vicky: Who the fuck are you?

Lola: I asked you first.

Vicky: I asked you second.

Petunia: Ah! Ah! She's Lola Bunny! Duh. Head cheerleader! Homecoming queen! Part-time model.

Vicky: Oh.

Lola: Who the fuck are you?!

Vicky: I'm Vicky. I'm new.

Lola: Who the fuck let you in here?

Vicky: Dora.

Lola: Dora who?

Vicky: Dora Standpipe.

Petunia: Dora Standpipe isn't even in charge of the door!

Lola: So, Vicky, let me tell you how things work around here-

Vicky: I already know how things work around here.

Petunia: Dora Standpipe is in charge of snacks! Why is she letting people inside of the door?!

Lola: This is my bathroom. This is my school. And this is me telling you that you need to learn your place.

Vicky: Guess what? I already know all those things.

Lola: Oh really?

Vicky: Yeah.

Petunia: Melissa Duck is in charge of the door! What the fuck is she doing letting Dora Standpipe let people in? (leaves)

Lola: You're not from around here, are you, Vicky?

Vicky: I just transferred from Glemorp.

Lola: Where the fuck is that?

Vicky: Venus!

Lola: Well, let me tell you about how things work around here in Acme Park!

Vicky: I already know how things work around here in Acme Park!

Lola: Really?

Vicky: Yeah, Bugs Bunny told me all about it.

Petunia: (returns) Is Melissa Duck sick? Does she have mono... I feel like her dad might have died.

Lola: What the fuck are you doing talking to Bugs Bunny?!

Vicky: We have Algebra 2 together.

Lola: That's my fucking boyfriend, bitch.

Vicky: Oh really? That's not what Penelope Pussycat said!

Lola: Well Penelope Pussycat is a fucking liar!

Vicky: She seemed to know a lot about you and Daffy Duck.

Lola: Okay, Vicky, just what the fuck do you want?

Vicky: I just want to poop here. Whenever I want... as long as I want.

Lola: Fine. But know this. I do not like you.

Vicky: I feel indifferent towards you.

Lola: I'll be watching you...

Vicky: I'm going to poop now.

Petunia: Wait, Melissa DANVER'S dad is sick. Melissa Duck's dad is a senator. Duh, Petunia.

(Vicky goes into the stall and loudly poops)

Vicky: Owned. Have fun smelling my poop, bitches! (leaves)


	2. French Class

Daffy: So then, he was like, "Give me a lap!" And then I was all like, "Hey coach, why don't you give ME a lap?" And then he was all like, "You know what, Daffy? I respect you."

Tina: Was it slutty of me that I gave you a hand job last night?

(Pepe walks over)

Pepe: Hello Tina, hello Daffy.

Tina: Hello, Pepe Le Pew.

Pepe: Eh Tina, do you have an extra, how do you say, "hair tie"?

Tina: Why do you say "how do you say" before words you clearly know how to say? Dot Warner says you're not even from France. You're from Ontario.

Pepe: Daffy, I saw you in your American football game last night, you were magnifique!

Daffy: Oh, actually that was Wile E. Coyote. He's first on the depth chart. I'm second string.

Tina: Stop trying to change the subject Pepe Le Pew!

Pepe: What subject?

Tina: The subject that you are not from France, but instead you're from Ontario!

Pepe: This is not true. Dot Warner cannot be trusted.

Tina: Actually, Dot Warner has not told a lie since the third grade, so um, yeah, she can be trusted, you idiot.

(Pepe walks away)

Tina: (scoffs) He's so from Ontario.

Daffy: Hey, if it's okay, do you think you could give me another hand job tonight?

Tina: Ugh, I guess.

Daffy: Aw, sweet!

Tina: But in exchange for that, you have to watch a whole episode of Glee with me. Yay Glee!

(Pepe comes back over)

Pepe: I just realized I came over here to get my chemistry book, and that I never got it, so I came back to get it, how do you say, "now".

Tina: Now? That's exactly how you say "now", Pepe Le Pew. Which you CLEARLY know how to say because you JUST SAID IT. So don't say "how do you say" before shit you clearly know how to say!

Pepe: Okay.

(Pepe and Daffy giggle)

Tina: Everyone know's you're from Ontario.

Pepe: I should go to chemistry class, because now I have my book.

(Pepe walks away)

Tina: God I hate him so much.

Daffy: Oh, hey. If I watch an episode of Glee, and an episode of Gossip Girl, can I get a blowjob instead?

Tina: What? That's not even a fair trade! You LIKE Gossip Girl!

Daffy: What? Huh? That's not true!

Tina: Yes it is. The only person who likes Gossip Girl more than you is fucking Marvin Martian.

(Marvin comes walking through the hallway)

Marvin: Lalala, I love Gossip Girl sooo much.

Tina: Nobody's fucking talking about Gossip Girl, Marvin Martian! Why don't you go eat a role poly like you did in the goddamn third grade?

(Marvin walks off, crying)

Tina: Shut the fuck up, Marvin Martian!

Daffy: Hey, um, Gossip Girl is a good show.

Tina: You are not my boyfriend anymore.

(Pepe comes walking in again)

Pepe: I thought that it was third period, so I got my chemistry book out of my locker. But then, when I got to chemistry class, and Mr. I.Q. said to me, "Pepe Le Pew, it is not third period, but rather second period." So now, I have returned to my locker again to retrieve my algebra 2, how do you say, "book".

Tina: (whisper) God I wanna fucking murder you.

Daffy: Hey, Pepe, do you want to go out on a date?

Tina: What?

Pepe: Oh, are you suggesting a, how do you say, "menage a trois"?

Tina: Really? Are you asking how to say "menage a trois"? It's a fucking French word you little bitch!

Daffy: Actually, it would be a "menage a two".

(Daffy and Pepe laugh)

Daffy: Tina just broke up with me.

Pepe: Oh, you know Daffy, my people know very much about suffering.

Tina: Oh, what people are that? "Ontarioans"?

Pepe: No, the people that invented the French kiss.

(Daffy and Pepe make out passionately)

Pepe: (while making out) Oui, oui, oui. No, no! Oui, oui, oh, Napoléon! Oui, Oui, stop!

(Pepe and Daffy stop kissing)

Pepe: Bet that was better than some second-rate hand job.

Tina: Who the FUCK said my hand jobs were second-rate?

Pepe: Oh, I dunno, everyone from Wichita to Lenexa. You know, Beaky Buzzard, Henry Hawk, Gossamer, Pete Puma-

Tina: Pete Puma said my hand jobs are second-rate? Oh, when I get through that piece of shit, he's gonna wish his parents went through with that move to St. Louis!

(Pepe and Daffy make out again)

Pepe: (while making out) Oh, oh no! Stop... go. Oh, you are naughty.

(Daffy giggles)

Pepe: (while making out) Stop.

(Daffy and Pepe stop making out)

Tina: And for the record, Pepe Le Pew, I do not just give hand jobs, I also let boys fuck me in my butthole, okay? Not my growler, but my butthole. Because I am saving my virginity for someone special. And that's not you, Daffy.

(Tina walks away)

Daffy: What the fuck is a growler?


	3. Sister Act

Vicky: Have fun smelling my poop, bitches!

Petunia: So... is there cheer practice today or not?

Penelope: (enters) Where the fuck is Lola Bunny?

Petunia: Oh my god, it's Penelope Pussycat.

Lola: What the fuck do you want, Penelope Pussycat?

Penelope: Oh, I don't know. I heard you're going around calling me a fucking liar!

Lola: Where did you hear that?

Penelope: Oh, I don't know, like, thirty-five seconds ago.

Lola: I said "where", not "when", you idiot!

Penelope: Shut up! You know I'm partially deaf in my right ear after Foghorn Leghorn hit me in the head with that fucking hackey sack in the third grade!

Sylvester: (enters) Where the fuck is Lola Bunny?

Petunia: Oh my god, it's Sylvester Pussycat, the most popular guy in the history of the Termite Terrace school district.

Sylvester: Hiye, Petunia!

Petunia: O-oh my God. (ducks into a bathroom stall)

Lola: Sylvester, how's Acme State?

Sylvester: Um, it's great. I'm, like, in a shit ton of fraternities AND I have a 29 year old boyfriend. Suck it!

Lola: It's so good to see you.

Sylvester: I heard you were calling my sister a fucking liar!

Tweety: (enters) Where the fuck is Lola Bunny?

(Silence until the group sees Tweety)

Lola: Who the fuck are you?

Tweety: Who the fuck are you?

Lola: Oh no, NO. We are NOT doing this again.

Sylvester: This is our brother, Tweety. He's the most popular guy at Hanna-Barbara Elementary.

Tweety: And I heard you were calling my sister a fucking liar!

Petunia: Okay, seriously? Who the fuck is watching the door? How did a 9 year old get in here?

Tweety: Shut up, Petunia Pig! Or should I tell everyone about how you make out with Taz behind Topsy's Popcorn after school?

Petunia: H-how do you know about that?

Tweety: Larry Dover. We have gymnastics together.

Penelope: What?

Sylvester: Fucking stand on the other side of me.

Penelope: Fucking Foghorn Leghorn. Listen, Lola Bunny. We want-oh! Oh my God. It smells terrible in here.

Lola: Someone LITERALLY just pooped.

Sylvester: It smells awful.

Tweety: It smells like somebody put a diabetic foot into a sandwich an left it in the sun. Ugh!

Petunia: (vomiting) I'm sorry. I'll text Carol Delisle.

Penelope: Anyway... I want an apology. I'm not a fucking liar!

Lola: You are a fucking liar! And I'll gladly tell it to all of Acme Park!

Sylvester: Well then, I'll gladly tell the student bodies of Acme State, Warner Brothers, and Townsville State that you eat dick burritos.

Petunia: Oh my God, that's everywhere you applied.

Lola: I know.

Tweety: And I'll gladly tell the entire student body of Hanna-Barbara Elementary that fist grader Babs Bunny... is rife... with cooties.

(Petunia and Lola gasp)

Petunia: That's totally your sister.

Lola: I know. Okay, fine. Penelope Pussycat, (quietly) I am sorry.

Penelope: I didn't believe that for a goddamn second. I want a handwritten apology delivered to my locker along with 25 dollars in PacSun bucks. Additionally, I want possession of all the girl's bathrooms from the West Bank lockers to the second floor and to the two trees in the quad.

Lola: Fuck you.

Tweety: You know, Lola, it'd be a shame if your sister fell down a flight of stairs!

Lola: Uh, fine! I'll accept your terms, but you have to give the cheer squad the center lunch table.

Sylvester: Fine.

Lola: There's also a girl named Vicky who has pooping privileges here.

Penelope: She will be safe.

Lola: Good. But know this: the war between the cheer squad and the Pussycat family has just begun.

Penelope: Understood.

Sylvester: Understood.

Tweety: Understood!

Petunia: Wait, what's going on?

Tina: (off-screen) Shut the fuck up, Marvin Martian!

Marvin: (runs crying around the bathroom)

Everyone except Petunia: Fucking Marvin Martian!

Petunia: Yeah, Marvin Martian...


	4. The Most Popular Boys in School

Foghorn: So then she was all like, "No, you are." And then I was all like, "No, you are." And then she was all like, "I kind of am." So long story short, she's kinda my mouth date now.

Wile: I am so good at football.

Taz: Hey Wile, we're all pretty good at football.

Daffy: Yeah, that's why this year we're going to state!

All: State! State! State! State! (wolf howls) Yeah!

Elmer: State, huh? Hey, more like... uh, gay!

Wile: Goddamnit, Elmer! Who let you in here?

Elmer: Not much.

Wile: What?

Elmer: Uh, I thought you were gonna say, "What are you looking at?" And I was gonna say, "Not much."

(The football players look at each other)

Elmer: Are you... are you gonna say, "What are you looking at?"

Wile: No, Elmer.

Elmer: Hey! The name's not Elmer!

Taz: Oh my God, are you gonna try to nickname yourself again?

Elmer: The name... is Mer!

Foghorn: The fuck kind of name is Mer?

Elmer: It's like Elmer, only shorter.

Wile: Why wouldn't you just go by El?

Elmer: 'Cuz I don't play by the rules, man!

Daffy: That's dumber than the time in the third grade when you tried to get everyone to call you "Uncle Jessie"!

Elmer: Hey, that would have worked if you guys would've agreed to call yourselves "The Rippers"!

Foghorn: Stop trying to force your Full House references on us. You're the only one who gets those.

Elmer: Fuck you.

Foghorn: Suck my dick.

Elmer: Okay.

Foghorn: What?

Elmer: Drop trou. I'll suck your dick right now!

Foghorn: Dude, that was an expression! Right? Am I right? That's an expression, right guys?

Daffy: That's an expression.

Foghorn: Not an invitation.

Daffy: No.

Elmer: I'll suck your dicks right now. Go ahead, push them together like a little sandwich. Om nom nom nom nom. I'm hungry for lunch!

Taz: Okay, seriously, we told you last week that if you're gonna watch us shower again, we're gonna tell Principal Sam.

Elmer: Well then, in that case, why don't you go ahead and pop off that towel and I'll play with your butthole a bit?

Foghorn: Elmer! You are not gonna suck any of our dicks today, and you're not gonna play with any of our buttholes either.

Elmer: Well, I guess we see who the real man is here, don't we?

Daffy: I'm a real man! I'm not afraid!

(Foghorn, Taz, and Wile try to hold Daffy back)

Foghorn: Hold it! Woah woah woah woah woah! Get back, Daffy! Goddamnit!

Taz: No, get back Daffy! God.

Daffy: Are you trying to infer that just because you're willing to do stuff to our butts, it proves that you're more of a man than us?

Elmer: I'm not saying anything... I'm-I'm just sayin'.

Wile: The only thing that you're sayin' is that you're gay.

Elmer: I'm not gay! YOU'RE gay!

Wile: Yeah, so?

Elmer: Wait, what?

Wile: I'm gay, dude.

Taz: Yeah, he's definitely gay.

Foghorn: Yeah, he's gay.

Daffy: We had an assembly about it.

Foghorn: He has been in a gay monogamous relationship for a long time. We accept you, bro.

Wile: Thank you, man.

(Foghorn and Wile high five)

Elmer: But... what... I-I thought...

Wile: Are we done here, El? I'm going to shower.

Elmer: Hey!

(The boys turn around)

Elmer: Would it be weird... if I joined you guys... for a shower?

Foghorn: Oh, well, I don't know,Why don't we take a poll. I vote no.

Taz: I vote no too.

Wile: Fuck no!

Daffy: Well, I always believe in giving people, the benefit of the doubt, so maybe we should-

Wile: Damn it, Daffy! Sit down!

Foghorn: Goddamn it, Goddamn it, Daffy!

Taz: Ah! shut up!

Daffy: Okay, I vote no too.

Elmer: Okay, and I'm a yes, so let's see that's... oh.

Taz: We all just finished football practice, man. And smell terrible.

Foghorn: And you, on the other hand, have just been hanging around the boy's locker room, not doing much of anything. 

Daffy: The only other person who does that is Coach Kane.

(Coach Kane appears out of a stall, laughing)

Coach Kane: Carry on.

(The football team removes their towels and begins to walk towards the showers)

Elmer: One last question.

(The team turns around)

Elmer:... How come Foghorn Leghorn doesn't have a penis or testicles?

(The camera pans to the football team. Daffy, Wile, and Taz have black censor bars covering their genitals. Foghorn doesn't, revealing a lack of genitals)

Foghorn: Oh my god. Because I wasn't born with any, bro.

Wile: Seriously offensive, Elmer, you ask us this every week.

Elmer: Well, yeah, but... why-why doesn't he?

Taz: It's a congenital birth defect, dude.

Daffy: Don't be a dick, bro.

Foghorn: Unbelievable.

(They leave for the showers as Elmer starts crying)

Elmer: It's reasons like this you don't have friends, Elmer, reasons like this.

Foghorn: Hey, man.

Elmer: Huh?

Foghorn: Don't you dare look at our butts.

(Elmer begins to cry again)


	5. 57 Doller Lunch

(Pepe walks over to Hazel)

Pepe: Ah oui, I will take a toasted baguette with a selection of foie grais and a Perrier, please.

Hazel: Pepe Le Pew, I am going to reiterate a point that I make to you at least twice a week. All that we have is what is on the chalkboard behind me.

Pepe: Ah yes, of course. In that case I will have a glass of, how do you say, bordeaux and a crepe.

Hazel: I have French fries.

Pepe: Yes, I suppose that will suffice yet again.

(Pepe walks off)

Hazel: A fantastic choice... next!

(Vicky walks up to Hazel)

Vicky: Hi Lunch Lady Hazel.

Hazel: Hello New Girl, how's your first week at Acme Park?

Vicky: It's fine, I guess. Can I get a hot dog?

Hazel: Anything else?

(As Vicky lists items, Hazel moves back and forth to grab the lunch items)

Vicky: Um, let me get some tater tots. Oh, and also a slice of pepperoni pizza. And also a basket of jalepeno poppers. And some chicken nuggets. A ketchup boat, three potato pancakes, a creamsicle, two quesadillas, a bread loaf, side of ranch, some pixie stix, order of ribs, aaaaaaaaand... a diet coke. No. A strawberry shake. No. Diet coke. No. Both.

Hazel: That is gonna be one. Huge. Shit. Let me ring you up-

(Penelope and Sylvester walk on screen)

Penelope: Hi Vicky.

Vicky: Hi Penelope Pussycat.

Penelope: This is my brother Sylvester.

Vicky: Hey.

Sylvester: Hey.

Vicky: I like your top.

Sylvester: Forever 21.

Vicky: Shut up.

Sylvester: True story.

Hazel: Oh, oh oh, hey Sylvester.

(Hazel has a vision of Sylvester in a heavenly light)

Sylvester: Hey Lunch Lady Hazel, still giving people diarrhea for a living? Good job.

Hazel: (stuttering) Oh, Sylvester. Um, new girl, you haven't paid yet.

Penelope: Oh, don't worry, we'll take care of it.

Hazel: Okay, that'll be $57.28.

Sylvester: (at the same time as Penelope) What the fuck!

Penelope: (at the same time as Sylvester) Holy shit!

Tweety: Don't worry, I've got this.

Vicky: What the fuck was that?

Tweety: It was me, Tweety Pie.

Vicky: Jesus Christ, is that a fucking gremlin?

Tweety: No. I'm a third grader.

Vicky: Whatever, just no one feed that fucking thing after midnight.

Penelope: Tweety, Dad gave you that card for emergancies only.

Sylvester: Yeah, like buying cute underwear and paying for premium memberships to perezhilton.com.

Tweety: Well this is an emergency! We're at war with the cheer squad and we need allies!

Sylvester: Correction! Penelope and I are at war with the cheer squad. YOU got sent home from school for effecting the entire third grade with lice.

Tweety: That's not true.

Sylvester: Oh really, because your teacher told me your head looks like the inside of a salt shaker.

Tweety: Please don't tell Mom! She's gonna shave my head like she did to Penelope when she got lice in the third grade!

Penelope: I told you to never talk about that. God!

Hazel: Um excuse me, I will cut a bitch if there is lice somewhere in my chili.

Sylvester: Hazel, we're kind of in the middle of something right now, so if you could, you know, not.

Hazel: Oh, of course, Sylvester. My apologies.

Tweety: Teehee, the lice are tickling my feathers!

Elmer: Hey, what's with the holdup in the front?

Penelope: Shut the fuck up Elmer Fudd!

Elmer: Hey, that's not my name!

Tweety, Penelope and Sylvester: Kill yourself.

Vicky: Is this gonna go on much longer? Because I have a basket of jalepeno poppers that are getting cold.

Sylvester: Um, Vicky, as you may know, the Pussycats have been engaged in a blood feud with those DNA guzzling cheerleaders for years now. We would like to formally invite you to-

Vicky: I'm in.

Penelope: What? But you didn't even get to hear our pitch yet.

Vicky: Did your pitch involve you buying me a 57 dollar lunch?

Tweety: Yeah.

Vicky: Then I'm in.

Sylvester: Great, okay, we'll make you an admin on our Facebook page, include you an the Google docs and start cc'ing you on all emails.

Hazel: Ooh, Sylvester, Sylvester, cc me to at ladytatertot@gmail.com.

Sylvester: You are totes creep.

(Pepe walks in)

Pepe: Wait, did someone say, "crepe?"

(Everyone looks at each other)

Pepe: Au revoir.

(Pepe walks off)

Vicky: Can I go eat now? I'm pretty sure this potato pancake is ruined, this ketchup boat is all watery, and my cremesicles are melt- there is nobody here... where the fuck, god damnit.

(Vicky walks off)

Hazel: Next!

Porky: Um, yeah, hi, um, I was-I was wondering what kind of gluten free options you are offering today on the menu?

Sam: (on the intercom) Your attention please, the pep rally for the football team will begin in the gym in three minutes.

Porky: Oh no, not again.

(The football team runs in and knocks over Porky)

Football Team: State! State! State! State! State! State! Yeah! Woo!

Porky: Ouch.


End file.
